The Awful Truth

Joseph Connolly/Getty Images; Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
I am living and working in the heart of DeeCee (a stone's throw from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.) and can tell you that all the "Independents" I know are firmly Democratic since Sarah Palin arrived on the scene. And those that were in denial became Democratic after Katie Couric did her business. You need to recruit a new Desk DeeCee...anyone who has ever had a windup doll in DeeCee is realizing that Sarah Palin's crank is fairly short.
—Sarah, D.C.

Dear DeeCee Diss:
I'd much rather believe you, trust. But Desk DeeCee rarely disappoints and is also polling a far more dangerous section than just the Washington types: the heartland.

Dear Ted:
Enough with the bitching about Sarah Palin. You're starting to sound like your hemorrhoids are flaring or something. I just wanna hear about the latest doings of my favorite hell-raiser Angelina...
—Lonewolf

Dear Jolie Jaded:
I'm sure you meant to say Amy Winehouse, darling, not Angelina, right? Angelina's changed! (And I'm blond.)

Dear Ted:
It's official! You are America's new hero! For what? For dissing Angelina Jolie. Never liked her and her man-stealing ways (I got the "man-stealing ways" line from your BFF Jules Asner). When will the people of this country realize what a fake she is? Never bought the whole adopt-a-child scheme of hers. There are a lot of homeless and orphaned children in this country. Why not start here? Question: When do you think she'll dump Brad?
—Taryn

Dear Man-eater:
When another hunky, unavailable partner comes along, that's when. She and Jodie Foster really should get together. For so many reasons.

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"I don't think she cares...It's better if she doesn't even try to show the real her. 'Cause what she's doing right now is working for her."
—Paris' blogging bestie Perez Hilton, on what the public should know about the real Pare-poo. You mean there's more to this thigh-spreading heiress than photo ops and hair extensions? We'd love to see it sometime, would blow our collective minds.

Zuma; Joseph Connoly/Getty Images

Ran into Cybill Shepherd in New York, just saw her at dinner. And as Sarah Palin had, seconds prior, misquoted Madeline Albright so gloriously about women who "don't support other women" going to hell (help, is actually the verb M.A. originally used, and she's made it clear since that she did not mean this statement in any political fashion), I asked Cybill, "as a woman," how she felt about Palin.

"Oh, I'm just crazy about her," she gushed.

"I'm not," I said.

"Yeah, well, I'm not either," Cybill deadpanned, who knew she was so damn talented? Had me going completely. Maybe Martha Behind Bars isn't her best work yet? "I just can't help looking at her, though," Shepherd continued about the Alaskan politician Roger Ebert has so deftly compared to a folksy Coen Brother character out Fargo, "like she's a car wreck on the 405. It's scary!" True.

But not quite as frightening as trying to guilt the female population of this country into voting for her simply because she possesses a vagina. Well, let's see here. I have a penis, as do both John McCain and Barack Obama, so who am I supposed to vote for, according to that demented way of thinking Sarah? One cojone for each candidate?

AP Photo/Dan Steinberg, Ron Galella/Getty Images

Leonardo DiCaprio is pretty much the perfect celebrity: good looks, great talent, dates models and most importantly, is all about the causes. Leo has inspired his younger fans to vote with a star-addled, viral PSA, and now he's onto helping out some nonhumans with the International Fund for Animal Welfare. Dude obviously gets bored just making movies.

Today's the start of the annual Animal Action Week, and this year's objective is "to protect the ocean and marine wildlife from the impact of human activities." Paris should sign up for a crash course pronto. Prof. DiCaprio could sure teach her a few things about animal activism. The way she treats her pooches on land doesn't leave much hope should dolphins ever be up for adoption.

We can totally see it now: sea lions as the new It pet in '09. We'd like to see her try and schlep that around in her purse down Robertson Boulevard. Oh, and can Sharon Stone also get familiar with how to protect animals? 'Cause no leopard would be caught dead wearing such heinous pants.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

Gaz Shirley, PacificCoastNews.com

Jeez, Sharon Stone's recent fashion frocks are as badly chosen as her political statements, and that's sayin' a lot. Someone needs to tap her on the shoulder and let her know she's no longer 39 years old, 'cause, damn, if S2 ain't still dressing as such. Leopard-print pants—paired with a mismatched, boring blue jacket—is about as cougar-iffic as they come. You're so very subtle in your sexiness, hon.

An all-smiles Shar must have just realized how wrong her wardrobe was for her to be laughing like that. Whatever gets you out of your funk after hearing your custody rights with son Roan are still stuck in their San Fran place.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

Playbill

Just got back from New Yawk. The husband, Jon Powell, was in a musical, Fancy Boys Follies, with hilarious Jim J. Bullock. Both men were fab, but then, I'm married to one of 'em, so guess that's sorta like Tom Cruise going on and on about how sensational Katie Holmes is in Arthur Miller's All My Sons. Yeah, right.

Well, guess what? She is good. Very good.

It's really stupefying stuff, too, 'cause for the past year or two, it's been looking like Kate's going the way of Mad Money, after hooking up with Cruise, and further from the more formidable material from her career prior, Pieces of April, for instance. Well, she's back. The talented Katie, that is, as a complex and most fetching girlfriend to hunky Patrick Wilson. Dianne Wiest is divine, but that's like a boring statement, really, she's always so genius. No, it was Holmes' role to prove, really, and she did. And those folks teaming outside waiting for her autograph were rabid for her, not Tom. The anti-Scientologist screamers seem to have given up? Damn shame, such added drama!

But look. Think this calamitous, barricade-requiring showdown outside the Schoenfeld on Broadway would have occurred had Holmes not married Cruise? No way. K.H. was smart. She knew exactly what she was doing, just like her predecessor, Nicole Kidman, did. Kidman's a fab talent, to be sure, but would she had ever ended up where she landed had not she not been Tommy's No. 2? Unlikely.

It's all in the moment, and Holmes saw how best to grab it, for sure. Sadly, and ironically, Nic even showed up to show her support (or revenge, perhaps?) by looking so utterly gorgeous it hurt: on the back of the show's Playbill, in an ad for Chanel No. 5.

Half the audience was tittering about this not so subtle stab, intended or not? Doesn't matter. All anyone could talk about was how N.K. doesn't look anything like the ad these days, really. And there was Katie up onstage, looking real, accessible, womanly—she's too thin, to be sure, but she's got the curves down—and damn close to brilliant, too. Score one for the Third Wives' Club, for sure.

Ash Knotek/Snapers/ZUMAPress.com

“The contestability provision only allows the insurance company to contest during the time the insured was living. Since he’s dead, the insurance company’s case is dead, too, and they should pay up.”

—Washington Superior Court Judge and current mediator and arbitrator Charles Burdell Jr., regarding ReliaStar’s slimy attempt to fault on paying the late Heath Ledger’s claim due to the edgy star’s generous drug-taking, about which, of course, I’m hugely guilty of reporting. But then, I’m not an insurance company, am I? Seems they’re trying to do my job and get out of doing theirs.

AP Photo/Shizuo Kambayashi

Shall we call Janet Miss Jackson since we're about to get nasty on J2's case?

Our fave Jackson family member (tho there ain't much to choose from) is now up to six cancelled concerts in just one week's time, but that number will probably climb by tomorrow, right? Babe's suffering from some mysterious illness that her people ain't opening up about, how odd. Or not. Can't be as simple as a sore throat, otherwise they woulda said as such, no? Could it be pregnancy?

Jan's fluctuating figure has been on the heavier end recently—we ain't bashin' her full fig, just observing. It's all of J's jealous ninnies in the Biz who are pulling the curvy cutting comments, not us. But even if she was carrying a li'l Jermaine Dupri, wouldn't her fans forgive her pronto? Gwen Stefani, Jennifer Lopez and Christina Aguilera were able to go on with their own shows despite being pregged up. And we can bet Jack-hon could kick all of their asses, with child or not.

So what the ef's going on, J?

NEILL J. SCHUTZER/RAMEY PHOTO

For any of you who lost sleep over our little item about the rumored split between Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, then you can breathe easy. For now. Nick and Vee were spotted downing some drinks with Drew Lachey and wife at Whiskey Blue in Hell-Ay last night. Guess Nicky-Poo still has it going on, 'cause at one point they had to close off the cabana room due to the ever-present gawking gals. Think Ness was behind the cover-up? Wouldn't be surprised. Looks like N. 'n' V.'s PR folks are going overboard to show that these two are still hotter than ever. Not totally buying it, but don't totally care, either.

—With additional sass by Taryn Ryder

Frank Micelotta/Getty Images for MTV

Looks like our original deep-dish digging on the giant Justin Bobby drama brewing behind the scenes of The Hills has sparked some sanctimonious sass from the parties involved. Audrina had no comment on her blog about the sitch, just calling it "confusing and hurtful"—and we all know that no denial is the same as an admission. You were better off lying, hon.

So funny, isn't it, that L.C. had the gall to publicly blog back to Audrina that she would "never hurt a friend like that," while simultaneously badmouthing Aud's sorta-BF over and over? If A.P. cared enough to be stabbed in the back by some rumored hookup, Laur, doncha think she'd be equally miffed by you unabashedly badmouthing J. Bobby? What tact.

So why would the ew-inducing man in question, on Laur's behalf anyway, supposedly confess to such a snog session? Just to ef with Aud, L.C. and the media? So Spencer of him. Why don't the three of them just book a suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel together and just suss this whole sordid affair out straight? Just don't forget the video camera.

Phil Bray / Focus Features; Phil Bray / MGM

We're finally beyond the flak of summer movies, and just over the hump of September dreck—it's finally time in movie land for all the big guns to come out. We have the audacity—the nerve!—to peek into the future to pick which flicks are gonna be the most successful, but we're not just talkin' money-wise.

Here are our bets for which fall films are gonna rake in the dough, which are gonna sweep the Oscars and which are gonna be smothered in butter-flavored gossip (dee-lish!):

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Ashley Tisdale is going for a record number of looks here at the High School Musical 3: Senior Year photocall in Madrid. (Guess a love of cheesy ballads and choreographed dance numbers performed by teens cuter than most students in actual high schools knows no geographical bounds.)

We've got the Fame ballet tights, combined with a pair of heels more appropriate for the prom. Then there's the fuzzy skirt that looks more like a Brillo pad, and an oversized fuchsia sweater that wouldn't entirely be out of place inside D.J. Tanner's closet during a rerun of Full House.

And The Tiz tops it all off with her best beauty-pageant updo. We get that you're a fun and free-spirited femme, Ash, but you're not Punky Brewster—try just a tiny bit to have your outfit match, please? Then again, this is prolly the best way to get anybody to talk about you instead of Zac and Vanessa since your nose revamp. And we highly prefer mix-and-matching your clothes than your body parts.